"My soul clings to the dust;
Revive me according to Your word.
I have declared my ways, and You answered
me;
Teach me Your statues.
Make me understand the way of Your
precepts;
So shall I meditate on Your wonderful
works.
My soul melts from heaviness;
Strengthen me according to Your word."
~Psalm 119:25-28~
I feel like I know where I am going, or rather, climbing, but not totally sure how I am going to make it. I am climbing and climbing and climbing. But...I keep falling off that "ladder". I feel like my soul really is clinging to the dust every time I fall; I just don't want to get back up. My soul melts from heaviness. It takes a lot of work. And each time you slip, or each time the enemy tries and even succeeds at pulling you off - you're like, 'I can't keep climbing when all I do is fall off it everyday."
I've grown so weary. Burdened. Tired. Weak. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still climbing. Some refer to it as running the race, or walking down the road. Either way you look at it, it's the same concept. And if you have any of the same feelings, you probably ask, 'Why am I still running?" or, "Why am I still walking this narrow road?"
Yes, there is a reason. And its hard isn't it, when all you do is grow burdened and weak and when you keep falling or tripping.
I feel like I know and agree with God's word; but I seem to fail at trusting Him. It seems like I say how imperfect I am 20 times a day! I guess I am so insecure about it. Where is my self worth these days? Do you ever feel like if you say how loved you are by God, and that every thing's going to be alright, that in the back of your mind you still feel like you're doing something wrong and you can't fully enjoy life?
"My eyes fail from searching Your word, saying, "When will You comfort me?" (Ps. 119:82)
The beauty of it is, I can see Jesus right behind me when I'm climbing that steep ladder - when my foot slips, He's there to lift me up. And when I'm running that long race, He's right beside me, cheering me on. And when I'm walking down that narrow road, He's holding my hand.
He's there - I know He is, but still every insecurity locks me in my own self pity.
Strengthen me so that I can climb and walk and run. Revive me, and help me to first seek You above all else.
3 comments:
What a beautiful and transparent post. Thank you for sharing your heart. Every Christian who is growing has been in the valley. Discouragment and insecurity battle us to the core. Sometimes we run, sometimes we run and sometimes it is one step in front of the other, but we keep moving. Never look back, but keep moving forward. He is there and will give you the strength you need. His grace is sufficient. Love and prayers are with you.
this is so inspiring... your blog is so lovely and well written.... thank you so much for all the sweet comments you leave! it means a lot =]
Thanks for sharing Amber! I can relate to this, because I've been having some of the same thought's and feelings lately as well.
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